Poop On Duke

I originally was planning on starting this post by pointing out that me talking about how much I hate Duke and how Maryland gets no respect would be completely cliche, but something happened and I changed my mind.

I was getting ready to watch The Office on dvr, but gave my roommate a chance to go upstairs since he isn't watching it tonite. While I waited, I had on the St. Mary's v. San Diego game. As they hyped up the ESPN Saturday Lineup, the following conversation occured.

Some Dude: So at Noon we've got Maryland @ Duke. What do you think?
Some Douchebag: (muffled laughter) Maryland has no chance. That Duke defense is stifling!

Oh I'm sorry. They have a stifling defense, some quality shooters and just all around flawless play? Obviously you're inferring that Maryland has a less than stellar team this year?

When since we won the National Title has this not been the storyline?

Curious. In the last 7 years that ESPN.com has available, who do you think has more wins against Duke in the regular season or ACC Tournament Play, Maryland or Duke's obvious rival, UNC?



Obviously, since I'm an enormous Maryland fan, the answer is Maryland. Maryland is 8-7 in the last 7 years against Duke (UNC has 6-9). Pretty good winning percentage considering we have been just awful since 2001-2002.

Ha. Interestingly enough, I've just found out that the "some douchebag" is former Maryland player, Adrian Branch. Clearly, he was reverse jinxing Duke... and I am an asshole.

This reminds me of a fun game my college friends used to play. It was called "let's pretend we have a strong respect for coach K, or we saw J.J. Redick at the WaWa and everybody was trying to buy him a sub... just so we can see how pissed off John is going to get." Got me everytime.

Anyways. Do I think Maryland is going to win? Absolutely not. I don't see us matching up very well with them anywhere. We aren't shooting well, and Dave Neal is our primary 3-point shooting threat.

The only upside I can see is that Bowie and Milbourne are gamers right now. Vasquez may or may not show up, but you've gotta feel like he's gonna make noise somehow. So who knows. Come 4 PM I'm either going to be on top of the world, or completely miserable. I will be at my Nephew's 1st Bday however, so I won't be able to fully express my emotions until the ride home.

*SPOILER ALERT!!!*

My honest guess is something like Duke 89 - Maryland 60; Neal and Vasquez combine for 1-15 from 3-pt range; Bowie still manages 15-8-5; Gary has an anuerysm and starts bleeding from his left nostril like Charlotte in this weeks episode of Lost.

Go Terps!

Through The Eyes of Kimmy and Jenny

With the Caps going head to head with the Pens earlier this week, much was made about the state of the relationship of Alex Ovechkin and Evgeni Malkin, two Russians who were once the best of friends and now hold a hatred for each other reminiscent of Sioux descending on Colonel Custer at Little Bighorn.

So much has been discussed about their rocky relationship that it's beginning to resemble the battle between two rival 16-year-olds battling to become Prom Queen... and not just because of their inevitable future plastic surgery.

So for those who aren't aware of the situation, who I'm assuming are women (statistics show that 87% of people that don't read hockey news are female), I'll explain through the eyes of two fictional high schoolers, Kimmy and Jenny.

Kimmy: O.M.G., Jenny. Can you believe what Alex did to Evgeni?

Jenny: WTF?? Kimmy, Alex and Evgeni are B.F.F! They were roommates at the 2006 Winter Olympics in Turin. They hang out like all the time.

Kimmy: Not even! I just read about it in US Weekly during History.

Jenny: Oh my god. Isn't John Scott in that class? He is sooo funny. I love him!

Kimmy: Jenny. Focus. So they were B.F.F. but then this one night they were out at a bar with all their friends, and they haven't talked to each other since!

Jenny: What happened?

Kimmy: Nobody really knows, but what I heard was that a fight broke out and one of Evgeni's best friends got his jaw broken and had to get it wired shut... for... a... month!!

Jenny: OH MY GOD! Did Alex hit him?

Kimmy: I dunno. All I know is they haven't talked since.

Jenny: But listen to this. I heard that Alex was totally like "I hope we start talking by the Winter Olympics next year" or something. Like "I'm really looking forward to playing with him" or whatever.

Kimmy: That's totally like in Anchorman...

(Do 16 year old girls like Anchorman? I'm not sure, but let's just pretend)

Jenny: What part???

Kimmy: You know at the end when Vince Vaughn is like, "I hate you Ron Burgundy, but god dammit I respect you."

Jenny: Haha, I love that movie. It's so us!

I hope that was informative.

Skippin' the Lines for The Outer Limits

In life, you gotta take the good with the bad.

Example: If you want to enjoy the inexplicable deliciousness of Chipotle, you do so with the knowledge that your next BM will not be pleasant. There's no way around it.

For me, although I'm bummed to be jobless, the huge upside is that I haven't missed an episode of Conan in 2 weeks.

For a while, watching Conan was like making a trip to Kings Dominion. I kept telling myself it was gonna happen, "Hey... you know what we should do? We should get a bunch of people together, and watch Conan tonight! It'll be awesome!" But much like that elusive trip down 95, it never really panned out.

Now, I don't have an excuse. It's like I moved to Richmond, bought a season pass, and I'm cruising through on a Tuesday afternoon with no lines.

It's been glorious. I've laughed, I've cried, I've laughed some more. One thing, though, is really getting me, and to be honest, it's been getting me for awhile.

Why is it that when they bring out the second guest, the first guest keeps hanging out on the love seat next to the main chair? I don't get it. We've been doing late night talk shows for over 50 years, and somehow we're still going back to this awkward practice. For anybody that's ever gone to a party with a lot of unfamiliar people, you know the awkwardness when you're stuck standing next to two people in a conversation.

"Do I add something here... or do I just do the nod and smile?"

"Do I tell that joke about the priest, the rabbi, and Lance Armstrong's prosthetic nutt? Is that appropriate? It's probably not... it is funny though..."

Not to suggest that forcing conversation between two people that in many cases don't know each other very well isn't awkward, it is. But how does it get less awkward by throwing in another person who doesn't know anybody, and isn't sure the correct "talk show love seat etiquette." It doesn't make sense.

So, Conan, let's make a change. You're making the jump up to the prime time slot. Shock the world. Let's have a celebratory version of "In The Year 2000," let's do some Walker Texas Ranger, and let's let the first guest come out and let's let them go home.

Thanks.

Sorry Kids... Beer Makes Me Excited.

"Hey Briere! You're a douchebag!!!"

Out of context, this doesn't seem like much of an out of the ordinary quote, particularly since Mr. Briere looks prettay... prettay soft. When I tell you that person being quoted is me after a 3 hour beer tasting, which was lovely, it becomes standard operating procedure.

Here's the problem. This occurred while I was at Citizen's Bank Field for a Phillies game the day after Game 1 of the Caps Flyers playoff series, and the person I was directing my verbal onslaught toward was a 10-year-old child with Flyers rub-on tattoos on his cheeks and a child's Danny Briere jersey on. Amazingly, I was not made to pay for my comment (unless you count the food vendor running out of pizza and hot dogs later in the game. "Ahh fuck it. Just give me a beer.").

Out of nowhere, the Flyers have found themselves up there with Duke as the only team who's small child fans are fair game for Grande Juan's drunken antics.

I know, I'm as surprised as you are.

Historically, Caps fans consider the Penguins as their primary rival. With Crosby and Malkin, maybe the NHLs best duo, you'd think there would still be something there. Although maybe there is, it clearly has been replaced by a strong hatred for the "Broad Street Bullies" (I prefer the "Voorhees Vagenes"). To be honest, I'm glad. Caps hatred of the Pens was based on an absolutely awful playoff record (1-7) in the 80's and 90's. I'd like to keep that in the past. Thanks.

Granted, a 0-1 record in the playoffs against the Flyers isn't a great start, but with some of the quotes finding their way to the bulletin board leading up to tonight's game, it's clear we're in for some heated battles for the foreseeable future.

In reality, although it is heated, who knows if the animosity has any staying power. Without being in the same division, it's tough to really build the hype.

But let me tell you about another team who gets a lot of the "they're not our rival" trash. Obviously I'm referring to Maryland Basketball. Without a true mutually acknowledged basketball rivalry, my Terps turn the inferiority complex of not being on Tobacco Road into being giant killers.

The Caps, being in the division of have nots, are in a similar situation. Except, the Caps get to keep their talent more than 4 years. With the Terps best talent, we were treated to a Final Four and a National Title in back to back years. Gotta feel like if the Caps can harness some of that "nobody respects us, everybody loves the Atlantic Division" attitude with a team that just posted a franchise best midseason record they could go far.

So...

Dear Flyers Fans,

Do us all a favor, and keep your children in neutral colors. I think we'd all prefer to avoid the consequences.

Thanks.

Grande

PS. How do you like this sideboob?

Douchebags.