Perdón, señor. ¿Dónde está el Valtrex?

It's Fall of 2005. You're setting up a Madden 2006 franchise. You're doing the draft, thinking about how you're gonna take Madieu Williams in the 25th round and simulate the rest of the way. Lots of tough decisions. Except one. Unless you eat smoked meat logs for breakfast, you're taking Michael Vick at QB and never looking back on your way to several 15-1 seasons (obviously accepting the fact that you're gonna run into one of "those games").

We just kicked off the new year, it's 2009. To be honest, I have no idea what his situation is, but I'm guessing PETA has finally called off the dogs, pun very much intended, and El Señor Vick will be back on the streets shortly. Did I hear rumblings of a halfway house? I don't know. Anyways, since I live in the city of past their prime big names, it's safe to assume that, if he becomes available, burgundy and gold will at least be on the fringe of the conversation.

I'm also guessing that given that SkinsNation does have a healthy population of Hokies that there will be a fair amount of folks pushing to bring him to Landover. Coincidentally, one such cHokie asked me recently, "do you want Vick?"

"To do what? Give me advice on my rash that won't go away?" I replied.

Apparently, he wanted my honest opinion of how I would feel should my beloved Redskins opt to sign Mr. Ron Mexico. So, here it is.

I've seen Vick play live. 2006, 24-14 Falcons W in FedEx while the Skins were scraping for anything to get to the playoffs. In terms of excitement and unpredictability, Vick was one of the most amazing athletes I've seen in person. I've seen some good ones, Ovie obviously, LeBron, LaDainian, ARod, Mike Grinnon. All players who could come out of nowhere and rise above everybody else. Vick, clearly, was one of those players.

That being said, I think it would be the worst decision this franchise could make since dropping Marty Schottenheimer for the Ol' Ball Coach.

Dude hasn't played football in 2 years. You can't tell me that he's staying in shape in prison. I'm sure he's gettin in some good reps throwing some weights around, but really? I think it's insulting to every professional football player that people could suggest that he can sit out for two years and come back ready to play from jump street.

But, for the sake of argument, let's just say that he is able to be in epic shape at 29 after 2 years in prison. How are you going to tell me that he's going to be ready for the speed of the game? Jamal Lewis spent what, 4 months in prison? He went from potential 300 yard games to mediocre at best. Maybe there were other factors involved, but he was a running back touching the ball 20-30 times a game. Vick is a quarterback! Not only does he touch the ball on every play, but he has to make the presnap reads and whatever else those guys do out there.

We're not talking about a guy who has traditionally taken care of the ball all that well historically either. In 74 career games, he's turned the ball over 71 times. I definitely feel like if he's been spending 2 years away from the game that this number could only go up. But let's be honest, he's spent a fair amount of time doing his best to hold onto the soap in the shower. Holding a football should be easier right?

To be fair, whoever goes for him isn't going to have to give up much, but I don't think it's even worth what little price the Falcons will ask. Particularly for the Redskins. I understand the value of putting some pressure on your underperforming QB, but at least do it with someone who has some credible threat to take over the position. Not somebody who is just going to make more noise by bringing more media attention and less actual production to your team.

Does Vick play defensive end? How about left tackle? Maybe he can kick field goals. We could use it.

For now, I'd rather remember him as one of the most impressive athletes I've seen in person, and one of the biggest generators of herpes and dog abuse jokes this world may ever know. I have no interest of putting him in with all the other big names that have fallen well short of making an impact in Washington.

I Need a Vacation

As mentioned on washingtonpost.com, John Madden will be taking a day off this week. That marks 476 straight days at the office for the immortal NFL Hall of Fame announcer. (Does this mean Frank TV will be taking a day off too? I hope so.) Given his well known fear of flying, I am actually surprised it hasn't happened sooner.

Generally, on hungover Sunday afternoons when we're laying around watching football, inevitably someone is bound to mention that "John Madden has the best job ever!" After thinking about this for a couple days, I'm not so sure.

Sure he goes to a NFL game a week, talks football all week, meets some very famous athletes, and gets paid tons of money to do it. But due to his own fears, he's stuck on a bus, sometimes with a full bus of folks sometimes with just his agent and an assistant, laying around I guess, on his way to next week's game. How miserable would it have been if he had been at the San Diego game, driven to way to Tampa this week, and then went all the way to San Fran for week 8? He's clearly getting to do some great stuff, but that has to take its toll. I still want to know when he found time to do Outback commercials during the season. Good for him.

Granted, I wouldn't hesitate to leave my current job to do what he's doing. Are you kidding me? But for John Madden, there have to be other options out there. Why not do something regional with Fox or CBS doing stuff only on the West Coast (he lives in Oakland)?

Personally, I'm glad he does it. I'm a John Madden fan. Despite the occasional incoherent babble or statement that just doesn't make any sense, he really brings a lot to the table. Not just football knowledge, but general entertainment. Even if its unintentional, it brings something different to the football game other than the general standard commentary. How often when you've got Joe Buck and Troy Aikman working a game can you find anything mildy humorous?

So here's to you John Madden. You're easily the most widely impersonated living sports figure, which makes your unintentional comedy a gift that keeps on giving. Enjoy that day off.