Through The Eyes of Kimmy and Jenny

With the Caps going head to head with the Pens earlier this week, much was made about the state of the relationship of Alex Ovechkin and Evgeni Malkin, two Russians who were once the best of friends and now hold a hatred for each other reminiscent of Sioux descending on Colonel Custer at Little Bighorn.

So much has been discussed about their rocky relationship that it's beginning to resemble the battle between two rival 16-year-olds battling to become Prom Queen... and not just because of their inevitable future plastic surgery.

So for those who aren't aware of the situation, who I'm assuming are women (statistics show that 87% of people that don't read hockey news are female), I'll explain through the eyes of two fictional high schoolers, Kimmy and Jenny.

Kimmy: O.M.G., Jenny. Can you believe what Alex did to Evgeni?

Jenny: WTF?? Kimmy, Alex and Evgeni are B.F.F! They were roommates at the 2006 Winter Olympics in Turin. They hang out like all the time.

Kimmy: Not even! I just read about it in US Weekly during History.

Jenny: Oh my god. Isn't John Scott in that class? He is sooo funny. I love him!

Kimmy: Jenny. Focus. So they were B.F.F. but then this one night they were out at a bar with all their friends, and they haven't talked to each other since!

Jenny: What happened?

Kimmy: Nobody really knows, but what I heard was that a fight broke out and one of Evgeni's best friends got his jaw broken and had to get it wired shut... for... a... month!!

Jenny: OH MY GOD! Did Alex hit him?

Kimmy: I dunno. All I know is they haven't talked since.

Jenny: But listen to this. I heard that Alex was totally like "I hope we start talking by the Winter Olympics next year" or something. Like "I'm really looking forward to playing with him" or whatever.

Kimmy: That's totally like in Anchorman...

(Do 16 year old girls like Anchorman? I'm not sure, but let's just pretend)

Jenny: What part???

Kimmy: You know at the end when Vince Vaughn is like, "I hate you Ron Burgundy, but god dammit I respect you."

Jenny: Haha, I love that movie. It's so us!

I hope that was informative.

Skippin' the Lines for The Outer Limits

In life, you gotta take the good with the bad.

Example: If you want to enjoy the inexplicable deliciousness of Chipotle, you do so with the knowledge that your next BM will not be pleasant. There's no way around it.

For me, although I'm bummed to be jobless, the huge upside is that I haven't missed an episode of Conan in 2 weeks.

For a while, watching Conan was like making a trip to Kings Dominion. I kept telling myself it was gonna happen, "Hey... you know what we should do? We should get a bunch of people together, and watch Conan tonight! It'll be awesome!" But much like that elusive trip down 95, it never really panned out.

Now, I don't have an excuse. It's like I moved to Richmond, bought a season pass, and I'm cruising through on a Tuesday afternoon with no lines.

It's been glorious. I've laughed, I've cried, I've laughed some more. One thing, though, is really getting me, and to be honest, it's been getting me for awhile.

Why is it that when they bring out the second guest, the first guest keeps hanging out on the love seat next to the main chair? I don't get it. We've been doing late night talk shows for over 50 years, and somehow we're still going back to this awkward practice. For anybody that's ever gone to a party with a lot of unfamiliar people, you know the awkwardness when you're stuck standing next to two people in a conversation.

"Do I add something here... or do I just do the nod and smile?"

"Do I tell that joke about the priest, the rabbi, and Lance Armstrong's prosthetic nutt? Is that appropriate? It's probably not... it is funny though..."

Not to suggest that forcing conversation between two people that in many cases don't know each other very well isn't awkward, it is. But how does it get less awkward by throwing in another person who doesn't know anybody, and isn't sure the correct "talk show love seat etiquette." It doesn't make sense.

So, Conan, let's make a change. You're making the jump up to the prime time slot. Shock the world. Let's have a celebratory version of "In The Year 2000," let's do some Walker Texas Ranger, and let's let the first guest come out and let's let them go home.

Thanks.

Sorry Kids... Beer Makes Me Excited.

"Hey Briere! You're a douchebag!!!"

Out of context, this doesn't seem like much of an out of the ordinary quote, particularly since Mr. Briere looks prettay... prettay soft. When I tell you that person being quoted is me after a 3 hour beer tasting, which was lovely, it becomes standard operating procedure.

Here's the problem. This occurred while I was at Citizen's Bank Field for a Phillies game the day after Game 1 of the Caps Flyers playoff series, and the person I was directing my verbal onslaught toward was a 10-year-old child with Flyers rub-on tattoos on his cheeks and a child's Danny Briere jersey on. Amazingly, I was not made to pay for my comment (unless you count the food vendor running out of pizza and hot dogs later in the game. "Ahh fuck it. Just give me a beer.").

Out of nowhere, the Flyers have found themselves up there with Duke as the only team who's small child fans are fair game for Grande Juan's drunken antics.

I know, I'm as surprised as you are.

Historically, Caps fans consider the Penguins as their primary rival. With Crosby and Malkin, maybe the NHLs best duo, you'd think there would still be something there. Although maybe there is, it clearly has been replaced by a strong hatred for the "Broad Street Bullies" (I prefer the "Voorhees Vagenes"). To be honest, I'm glad. Caps hatred of the Pens was based on an absolutely awful playoff record (1-7) in the 80's and 90's. I'd like to keep that in the past. Thanks.

Granted, a 0-1 record in the playoffs against the Flyers isn't a great start, but with some of the quotes finding their way to the bulletin board leading up to tonight's game, it's clear we're in for some heated battles for the foreseeable future.

In reality, although it is heated, who knows if the animosity has any staying power. Without being in the same division, it's tough to really build the hype.

But let me tell you about another team who gets a lot of the "they're not our rival" trash. Obviously I'm referring to Maryland Basketball. Without a true mutually acknowledged basketball rivalry, my Terps turn the inferiority complex of not being on Tobacco Road into being giant killers.

The Caps, being in the division of have nots, are in a similar situation. Except, the Caps get to keep their talent more than 4 years. With the Terps best talent, we were treated to a Final Four and a National Title in back to back years. Gotta feel like if the Caps can harness some of that "nobody respects us, everybody loves the Atlantic Division" attitude with a team that just posted a franchise best midseason record they could go far.

So...

Dear Flyers Fans,

Do us all a favor, and keep your children in neutral colors. I think we'd all prefer to avoid the consequences.

Thanks.

Grande

PS. How do you like this sideboob?

Douchebags.

Perdón, señor. ¿Dónde está el Valtrex?

It's Fall of 2005. You're setting up a Madden 2006 franchise. You're doing the draft, thinking about how you're gonna take Madieu Williams in the 25th round and simulate the rest of the way. Lots of tough decisions. Except one. Unless you eat smoked meat logs for breakfast, you're taking Michael Vick at QB and never looking back on your way to several 15-1 seasons (obviously accepting the fact that you're gonna run into one of "those games").

We just kicked off the new year, it's 2009. To be honest, I have no idea what his situation is, but I'm guessing PETA has finally called off the dogs, pun very much intended, and El Señor Vick will be back on the streets shortly. Did I hear rumblings of a halfway house? I don't know. Anyways, since I live in the city of past their prime big names, it's safe to assume that, if he becomes available, burgundy and gold will at least be on the fringe of the conversation.

I'm also guessing that given that SkinsNation does have a healthy population of Hokies that there will be a fair amount of folks pushing to bring him to Landover. Coincidentally, one such cHokie asked me recently, "do you want Vick?"

"To do what? Give me advice on my rash that won't go away?" I replied.

Apparently, he wanted my honest opinion of how I would feel should my beloved Redskins opt to sign Mr. Ron Mexico. So, here it is.

I've seen Vick play live. 2006, 24-14 Falcons W in FedEx while the Skins were scraping for anything to get to the playoffs. In terms of excitement and unpredictability, Vick was one of the most amazing athletes I've seen in person. I've seen some good ones, Ovie obviously, LeBron, LaDainian, ARod, Mike Grinnon. All players who could come out of nowhere and rise above everybody else. Vick, clearly, was one of those players.

That being said, I think it would be the worst decision this franchise could make since dropping Marty Schottenheimer for the Ol' Ball Coach.

Dude hasn't played football in 2 years. You can't tell me that he's staying in shape in prison. I'm sure he's gettin in some good reps throwing some weights around, but really? I think it's insulting to every professional football player that people could suggest that he can sit out for two years and come back ready to play from jump street.

But, for the sake of argument, let's just say that he is able to be in epic shape at 29 after 2 years in prison. How are you going to tell me that he's going to be ready for the speed of the game? Jamal Lewis spent what, 4 months in prison? He went from potential 300 yard games to mediocre at best. Maybe there were other factors involved, but he was a running back touching the ball 20-30 times a game. Vick is a quarterback! Not only does he touch the ball on every play, but he has to make the presnap reads and whatever else those guys do out there.

We're not talking about a guy who has traditionally taken care of the ball all that well historically either. In 74 career games, he's turned the ball over 71 times. I definitely feel like if he's been spending 2 years away from the game that this number could only go up. But let's be honest, he's spent a fair amount of time doing his best to hold onto the soap in the shower. Holding a football should be easier right?

To be fair, whoever goes for him isn't going to have to give up much, but I don't think it's even worth what little price the Falcons will ask. Particularly for the Redskins. I understand the value of putting some pressure on your underperforming QB, but at least do it with someone who has some credible threat to take over the position. Not somebody who is just going to make more noise by bringing more media attention and less actual production to your team.

Does Vick play defensive end? How about left tackle? Maybe he can kick field goals. We could use it.

For now, I'd rather remember him as one of the most impressive athletes I've seen in person, and one of the biggest generators of herpes and dog abuse jokes this world may ever know. I have no interest of putting him in with all the other big names that have fallen well short of making an impact in Washington.