"Mom... you should probably hold onto Dad's Credit Cards."

In a lot of ways, trying to build a professional sports team is like going to a casino. You always go in with high expectations assuming you're gonna leave with full pockets. Unfortunately, more often then not, you're leaving with your head down and the same story of good intentions and bad luck. The problem is that not only are the odds against you, but the casino owners have figured out a way to make it fun to lose your shirt.

The last time I was in AC, I lost a ton of money, and while it was happening I actually had this thought. "Ok, I am getting slaughtered at this Blackjack table. I've lost all the money I made last night, and this dealer is on a tear. But the waitress is coming by just frequently enough with the double jack and cokes, and my boys are all at the table and I'm having a great time. Maybe something great will happen." It also didn't help that I was getting drunk, and was particularly on point with the jokes that evening. I knew I was losing a ton of money, but somehow I kept throwing my money away because I was having a good time. Needless to say, I left the table with an empty wallet.

I get the feeling that many owners and GMs out there have similar sentiments. "Yea, my moves aren't working, but it's really fun to negotiate trades with my buddies. I'll just keep doing what I've been doing and maybe something great will happen." As in the casino, hoping for the best doesn't generally work out.

What's missing is a strategy. At the casino, maybe youre thinking, "hey, let's go to the blackjack table, stick to a strategy that maximizes my odds and potential payouts, play until either I'm down $200, or I'm up $200. If I'm up, Morton's and the Crazy Horse. Boom."

I can't pretend to know anything about running a professional sports franchise, but in DC we have a two examples of how to keep your team in the papers, but for different reasons. One flounders in mediocrity but people give a shit becaused they spend a lot of money in the off season, the other is one of the best team's in their league. Obviously, I am referring to the Redskins and the Capitals, respectively.

Since Dan Snyder purchased the Skins, we've gone from just awful to pretty average. Somewhat of an upgrade, but for the last four seasons the story this time of year has been who needs to lose so that we can be playing in January. We did make the playoffs twice, but could only squander a 1-2 record, and in our one win we broke a record for fewest yards in a playoff win. Real fun to watch.

I obviously don't have to go down the list of terrible moves, but it goes without saying that for the most part the plan seems to be "we're going to focus all of our efforts on trades and big free agent signings, fuck the draft, and we're gonna do it all with a revolving door in the head coach's office." Good plan guys. Not only are they somehow intent to depend on getting players that are either past or nearly past their prime, but they're spending more money doing it. By avoiding the draft, they are only getting players who have already achieved, who quite literally did something great in the past, and in a different system. And since they already did big things, they demand more cash.

What happens, clearly, is that the team is trying to succeed with aging players, and there's very little continuity because there's a new face on the sidelines every other year. Awesome. And, when it's obvious the moves aren't working, is there a change of strategy? No. Just an explanation. I'm paraphrasing here, but I'm pretty sure it was along the lines of "Dan just wants to win more than anybody else." Oh.

Geniuses in the Redskins PR Department. Tell me if you can imagine this conversation happening.

Husband: I have some awful news. I just lost $10,000 at the blackjack table.
Wife: Are you fucking kidding me? We were going to use that for a down payment on a beach house...
Husband: I know. But here's the thing... I really wanted to win! More than anybody!!
Wife: Oh, well in that case, here's another $10,000. Go get um tiger!

No. Clearly not. And the worst part is, after a lame 8-8 season (6-2, 2-6), I really don't see where we're getting much better next year.

Fortunately, we've got the Caps. For a while there, things weren't lookin so hot. Before last year's epic run, they were stuck in the Southeast Division cellar. But here's the difference. While they were doing terrible, they were steadily building. They drafted our entire first line (when healthy), our #1 defenseman, and two goalies (Notably Varlamov, 2-0 in NHL starts).

Surprise, we won the Southeast Division last year after an unreal string of wins, and are cruising again this season. We have the league's reigning mvp who is locked up for a THIRTEEN YEAR DEAL, and are just flat out trashing the place, and the best part is that our team leaders are 4 young kids, Ovechkin is in his 4th year! Until a few months ago, you could find Nicklas Backstrom outside of beer stores looking for somebody to buy him booze. We're gonna be great for a long time.

So let's be honest. The Skins are going to keep making it somewhat interesting for the foreseeable future, but the bandwagon is gonna be in the garage for awhile. In the meantine, get yourself down to the Greene Turtle pound some beers, head into the Verizon Center, pound some more beers, and enjoy yourself. It's the only place you're gonna find some winners in this town.

Reeling Me Back In

"And then you do something like that and.... TOTALLY REDEEM YOURSELF!"

Ok, it wasn't quite that impressive. We still have Gonzaga today, and a match up with either GTown or Tennessee tomorrow. But, completely changed my attitude about this Maryland team. I didn't feel good about where they were headed this year, and clearly I misspoke.

The main reason I was convinced I was going to spend the next 4 months crying myself to sleep (aside from a lack of rebounding ability and 0 depth) was an impression I got of the team at the Terps v. Cal football game in September.

On my way to get some food, I spotted some basketball players wandering around the concourse. Fittingly leading this posse around was Mr. Vasquez. There he was, leading the younger players around like the pied piper, proudly wearing his OWN JERSEY. I can understand why he felt that nobody would recognize him since we were so terrible last year, but really? Your own jersey?

They say you should dress for the job you want, not the job you have. To me, his display that day told me that he was happy with the mediocrity. Didn't exactly exude confidence.

That being said, what was great about the win over the Spartans last night was that it was less about Greivis and more about the supporting cast, which is exactly what we'll need if we want to make any noise this year. Actually running plays on offense and making the extra pass was nice to see, and I don't know if I've seen a Maryland team draw more offensive fouls than they did last night. They're playing like a team because players are finally looking like they want to force the action.

Most notably, Hayes. I had a lot of negative things to say about him after last year, and into this summer, but he's really shown me something in the first four games. 13-6-5 last night was fantastic, but even better are the things he's doing that don't show up on the score sheet. Great D, hustle, and solid off the ball play tells me maybe his trip to train with Steve Blake this summer for a week ignited the fire in him.

Bowie is somebody I was excited for last year despite some things I heard about his lack of ACC quality potential from guys that had seen him in high school. He feels like your typical role player that Gary turns into a game changer. Dude can shoot, he crashes the boards, and he is fast. Gotta feel like when Mosley gets comfortable that he and Bowie are going to be a nasty duo in the next two seasons.

Two words... Dave Neal. Three words... three point shooter. What?

I don't think that all of a sudden we've shed all our vulnerabilities. We still don't have much down low. Vasquez is still shooting 8 3s a game, and although he seems to be taking care of the ball, the numbers don't really reflect his horrific shots late in the shot clock that should count as turnovers. And as far as last night, this team is not going to shoot 42% from outside while running into teams shooting 44% from the line that often either.

All of that being said, there is significant reason for optimism. Last year at this time, we were getting waxed by UCLA and Missouri, and we looked awful. In fact, in the post-BB&T tournament era (now just one game), we really haven't done well at all in these preseason tournaments. We'll see how the rest of this tournament plays out, but you've gotta feel like we're playing with house money the rest of the way in Orlando.

The best part is that I'm excited to watch them again. Gary, I'm sorry I doubted you. Clearly this is your kind of team.

As this team came to life last night, I felt dumb, and then dumber. Hopefully, I'll get a chance to redeem myself as a Maryland basketball fan.

Go Terps.

Empty Inside...

Back in the day, before the age of conference championship games, college football fans had a tradition. If their team was playing late in the season to clinch a spot in a BCS Bowl, an object relating to that bowl would be brought in huge numbers to the field so that if the team did manage to clinch the BCS berth, so much like a bachelor party hooker they could celebrate in lewd and inappropriate ways with said object.

Although I can't find any evidence of this being any of kind of tradition in College Park (let's be honest, we haven't had that many opportunities to create one), I'm sure there's something there. Pac-10 and Big-10 (11) schools for example shower the field in a very American Beauty-esque way with roses when they lock up a berth to the Rose Bowl. God help the opposing teams when the home team locks up a berth to the Watermelon Bowl. That could be trouble.

I'm certain some folks back in 2001 brought some oranges to share with Shaun Hill (pictured... how hammered do you think he got about 2 minutes after this picture was taken? empty shotgunned beers all over the locker room I'm sure) following their 23-19 victory over NC State in Byrd. Right?

Well, now that we have a conference championship game, that apparently non-existent tradition is over. Although technically the Terps could clinch a trip to Tampa Bay for a spot in the ACC Championship, no specific bowl bid can be assured. This Saturday evening in College Park, no one will be bringing bushels of beautiful Florida Citrus. No. No one will pelt the hated Seminoles with frozen oranges as they leave Chevy Chase Bank Field. Frankly, I had to beg Berg to once again make Orange Crushes despite the freezing weather so we could hold on to a sliver of the fact that superstition still is an important part of college football fanship.

I don't know who is going to win Saturday night (let's go Wake... really need one from you guys in Winston-Salem), but a little part of me will be looking to fill the void left by something that once was...


That's what she said.

Go Terps!!!

Kirk Cobain Called...

Ok, it wasn't that bad, but really I can only think of 2 sports weeks that were more miserable than what I (and all fellow Skins, Terps, and Liverpool fans) just went though.

1. September 18-19, 2004. This one is easy. Banes hooked me up with tickets to #21 Terps v. #7 Sheepfuckers in Morgantown. I was all kinds of amped up for this game, so much so that I promised myself that I wasn't going to drink on a Friday night and drive up to WVU at the asscrack to make game time. Needless to say, particularly for those of you who knew me Junior year (or know me now... let's be honest) I got hammered drunk that night before and woke up an hour and a half before game time. Drove up averaging roughly 90 mph to make it there just after the 1st quarter.

Getting to my seat and realizing that no familiar faces were anywhere near my seat, and the natives did not appreciate my presence, "I think you're in the wrong section boy...," I knew I was in for a long day. After 5 turnovers, somehow we were still in the game. 16-16. We were headed to Overtime. It was short lived, as we settled for a field goal, and they drove. Future NFLers Chris Henry and Dominque Foxworth battled it out in the endzone. Henry came out on top. My what a difference 4 years makes. Ballgame. 19-16. Miserable 3 hour drive home.

The next day, the Skins faced off against the G-men. Two not too good teams as I recall. The Giants owner, Wellington Mara had just died. After 7 turnovers, the Skins fell like 36-0.

12 turnovers. Losses to major rivals. I was on suicide watch.

2. I don't want to even look up the date on this one, but Maryland lost to Ohio and American back to back last year. You could hear the thud of the program hitting rock bottom in Shanghai.

So, here we were Saturday morning, a little hungover from Halloween. Liverpool v. Tottenham Hotspur. Liverpool alone on the top of the table. Spurs at the very bottom. 90 minutes later, after a dominating performance and two shots off the post... Spurs 2, 'Pool 1.

Ok, no big deal, Huge Skins game on Monday Night. I can look past this. My boys, despite a strong start, were utterly dominated on both sides of the ball (Byron Leftwich... really? My mom moves better in the pocket). On the upside, I sit in the top row of the Club Level and turning around to check the tv screens, I noted Shawne Merriman sitting 3 feet behind me. Dude has a head the size of thanksgiving turkey. Fact. But I choked in the acknowledgement of his presence.

Anyways. Thursday. Terps. The resurgent, I can't believe this team is nationally ranked, lets go to c-stone for rails, then santa fe for $2 22s and watch us fuck up the Hokies, Terps. Despite my better judgement, I let myself get fired up for this game. Went to Bailey's in Ballston, got all drunk and obnoxious in front of the Arlington chapter of the Hokie alumni club. Very miserable loss. How is the only play we have to get a future first round NFL pick the ball a WR screen? That's like settling for a big mac when you have a gift certificate to the Palm. Its acknowledging that we don't have the ability to do anything past the line of scrimmage. Thanks Fridge.

Being a Terps football fan is like driving a car that's just crossed the 150K mile mark. Every time it turns on you feel like magic could happen. Somehow it starts and you can drive it for like 5 days. But when you really need it, at 2 AM trying to drive for a late night booty call... nothin'. It's not even that you never know whether or not it will start. It's just that you know that sooner or later, it's going to let you down, and probably in front of a lot of people that you just told to go fuck themselves.

On the upside. Skins are on a bye, just signed D'Angelo Hall, and are still in great shape for at least the wild card, and are in play for the division. Terps are still tied for the division lead. Liverpool are still tied for first. But much like the state of the economy, after a miserable week like this you start to think, "hmm... is this the bottom, or is it going to get much worse?"

Fortunately, unlike Mr.Cobain, it doesn't rain 300 days every year where I live. Don't be too concerned about any poorly placed shotgun barrels over here.

Get me some wins boys! This shit is terrible!

Sam Spence Does Not Get Enough Credit

"These are two good football teams with Super Bowl aspirations." I didn't write it. Scouts Inc on ESPN did. What's more, my iPod is on shuffle right now, and this song just came on out of nowhere. Sam Spence, Everybody!

If shit like this doesn't get you fired up, just go ahead and leave your jersey on my desk, take a few days off, and don't come back because we don't need dead weight like you dragging us down anymore. Thanks.

In terms of being a season ticket holder, the three games this month are the emotional peak. The NFL did us a favor spreading them out over 5 weeks because I don't think many folks could handle the intensity back to back to back. Sorry, I'm getting ahead of myself.

Monday evening, the Steel City vs. the Capital of the Free World. Obviously, this isn't quite at the level of a division match-up, but I think I'll take the best team in the AFC under the lights in front of 90,000.

The downside is that both teams are a little banged up. The Steelers just can't catch a break really. Ben Roethlisomething is a shell of a man, Willie Parker is coming off a long spell of wearing sweatpants on the sidelines, and I'm guessing a bunch of other dudes are on their injury list too. Portis and Moss both have been held out of practice. Lets be honest, this is going to be a hard hitting affair in Landover. The more rest the better in my opinion.

Depending on where you're lookin', the B&G are favored by a point or two heading into what's likely to be a bonecrushing matchup. Here's the thing. We're not blowing out teams, we know this. We covered in one of our last three (Detroit, -7.5), mostly because our gameplan relies on CP, ball control, ya know. Looks like all we need to do here to cover is to win. Put your chips on the table boys.

From an unbiased standpoint, it will be interesting to see if this Redskins team can do enough to win against the #1 defense in the league by relying on a gameplan that has such a small margin for error.

Boring.

What's great about this game is two teams that want to control the line of scrimmage and think they'll win because they'll have more in the tank in the 4th quarter. Count of big hits. Count on a some wild plays, sacks, turnovers. #1 defense vs. #6 defense. This is beef on beef football. Gonna be great to watch.

Here's the difference. Offense. Portis, best rb in the league. Moss. Did you see him blow up last week?? Hey I'm pumped they have guys like Ward that do the little things. Great. But where are the guys that are going to do the big things? Who's gonna break off 20 yard runs? A banged up Parker? Hardly. We have the big-play makers. They don't. In a game that's probably going to be decided by who can make that big play, you gotta feel like the odds are in our favor there. Gonna be a great game. FedEx will be electric. I just think the clock has struck midnight already for this Steelers team. They're gonna spend all season trying to get healthy. Our best days are ahead of us, and I'm guessing we're gonna have one of our best days on Monday Night.

So yea. I'm fired up. Are you?

Not Settling For Lame

Every year I tell myself I'm going to do it. I'm pretty sure I'm not alone. I never follow through with it, but this year, I really think I can pull it off.

I'm commiting myself to knowing everything there is to know about college basketball this year. Yea, that's right. I am going to watch some much basketball this season, that I am going to be a sure thing to pick all 63 games correct in March Madness. Fact.

I'm sure this sounds ridiculous, but let's observe the facts.

My alma mater, the University of Maryland, is going to be absolutely miserable. I want to deny it, but we could be historically bad. Although I will never sell them out, I can't stop watching basketball just because my squad drives me crazy. Although from mid-November to just after April Fool's Day there is going to be a lot of yelling and cursing, I'm going to need to watch basketball without wanting to punch someone in the face.

On the surface, this sounds like a terrible idea. It does kind of sound like the elementary school lunch room situation. You're sittin' there with a slightly thawed out hot pocket (my mom used to do this, I can't imagine I settled for that kind of treatment) and the kids around you are all munchin' on some crazy deli sandwiches. Going to lunch like that is depressing, but you have to eat.

With such potentially depressing situation, why not focus on being able to make the greatest Final Four bracket ever? Sure, there's no such thing as perfect knowledge, but won't it be fun to believe that I can get there?

So, once the season starts here in a few weeks, I am commiting to watching 3-4 games a week, outside of also watching my Terps try to squeak into the NIT, and sharing my completely unqualified thoughts here. Enjoy.

Fight Child Obesity... or Your Chunky Kids Are Gonna Get Waxed During Recess.

Did South Park just advocate breast cancer awareness? Yes, yes it did, and it was hilarious. I don't have breasts, and I haven't had a struggle with cancer, but I'm willing to bet that if I had I would have found it even more hilarious and probably empowering. If you didn't watch it, go here ("Breast Cancer Show Ever"), and then read the rest of my comments.

Without having experienced cancer, there can't have been many ways for South Park's writers to relate to ladies affected by it. What was great about the episode was that they didn't try to relate. They kept it simple, light, and funny. And let's be honest, who didn't laugh hysterically when Cartman ate his underwear, or when he took a dump on Mr. Garrison's desk all to avoid getting beat up by a girl. Everybody was a winner tonite on South Park. Even opponents of child obesity.

Message - If you let your kids get fat, they're gonna get beat up. Maybe by a girl. Fact.

I read a book recently called Then We Came to The End by Joshua Ferris, which is about folks at a failing ad agency. One of their projects was to come up with a funny/uplifting ad targetting women battling breast cancer. Understandably, it was a very difficult assignment because none of them had ever had breast cancer, and obviously, there's nothing funny about it.

But tonite's South Park was able to do that. Admittedly, it wasn't really about breast cancer. Mostly, it was about Cartman being insensitive, and the fact that, given some clear advantages, a slow grossly obese 10 year-old boy likely will get beaten up by an in shape, aggressive, highly motivated 10 year-old girl.

By the way, who didn't love the Snatch and There Will Be Blood references during the fight scene. Epic.

Clearly, as South Park Elementary's Principal encouraged Wendy to fight by comparing cancer to an annoying kid who has an uncanny ability to manipulate bad situations to his favor (including AIDS, pretending to have Tourette's in order to make highly offensive comments, etc), South Park's writers were not only promoting breast cancer awareness (who knows if any viewers actually got on webmd, or the american cancer soceity though to learn more, probably not many), and doing so through their medium without making light of the terrible disease. And, at the same time, it was a very solid episode.

Talking about serious issues on funny shows is not easy-- but even spending a couple minutes using a serious issue as a metaphor for something that is not serious keeps it in the conversation. I'm willing to bet that any women with breast cancer that are also South Park fans and watched this episode found some at the very least some laughter, and isn't that really the best medicine?

On top of that, I guarantee you that any 200 pound pre-pubescent little dudes out there that watched this are gonna strap on some running shoes tomorrow. Maybe to actually exercise, or maybe in a feeble attempt to flee some fired up chick on the playground.

Either way folks, tomorrow the world will be a better place because of South Park. Yea, I said it.

I Need a Vacation

As mentioned on washingtonpost.com, John Madden will be taking a day off this week. That marks 476 straight days at the office for the immortal NFL Hall of Fame announcer. (Does this mean Frank TV will be taking a day off too? I hope so.) Given his well known fear of flying, I am actually surprised it hasn't happened sooner.

Generally, on hungover Sunday afternoons when we're laying around watching football, inevitably someone is bound to mention that "John Madden has the best job ever!" After thinking about this for a couple days, I'm not so sure.

Sure he goes to a NFL game a week, talks football all week, meets some very famous athletes, and gets paid tons of money to do it. But due to his own fears, he's stuck on a bus, sometimes with a full bus of folks sometimes with just his agent and an assistant, laying around I guess, on his way to next week's game. How miserable would it have been if he had been at the San Diego game, driven to way to Tampa this week, and then went all the way to San Fran for week 8? He's clearly getting to do some great stuff, but that has to take its toll. I still want to know when he found time to do Outback commercials during the season. Good for him.

Granted, I wouldn't hesitate to leave my current job to do what he's doing. Are you kidding me? But for John Madden, there have to be other options out there. Why not do something regional with Fox or CBS doing stuff only on the West Coast (he lives in Oakland)?

Personally, I'm glad he does it. I'm a John Madden fan. Despite the occasional incoherent babble or statement that just doesn't make any sense, he really brings a lot to the table. Not just football knowledge, but general entertainment. Even if its unintentional, it brings something different to the football game other than the general standard commentary. How often when you've got Joe Buck and Troy Aikman working a game can you find anything mildy humorous?

So here's to you John Madden. You're easily the most widely impersonated living sports figure, which makes your unintentional comedy a gift that keeps on giving. Enjoy that day off.

Hip-Hip

Debby Downer

"There's just something about ya/thats got me not knowin if I want to kiss ya or smack the fuck out ya" - Methodman, You Remind Me Remix

Back in the spring of 2002. I was faced with a tough decision, college. I went 2 for 2 in acceptances (hall of fame numbers), and was stuck between Wisconsin and Maryland. As a sports enthusiast, my decision boiled down to one easy question. Which school would provide me with the most sports happiness? Given the events of 2002, it was pretty clear which school that was going to be. CO-ACC Champion in football, and eventual National Champion in basketball (Maryland also beat Wisconsin in the Sweet Sixteen that year, the first nail in the coffin), Maryland was the no brainer pick.

Since then it hasn't been such a high flying experience. It isn't so much the fact that occasionally my alma mater fields a bad team. Hey, that is going to happen. What does grind my gears, however, is when a team not only fails to live up to expectations, but does so in a roller coaster, up and down fashion that by mid-november or early march, you're curled up in a ball remembering happier times.

So, as my beloved Terps sit on the cusp on a national ranking, I'm forced to ask myself, "Are we for real this time?" Even after a horrible, seemingly inexcusable loss to Middle Tennessee State (who just squeaked it out over Florida Atlantic for their second win of the season this week) we still find ourselves among the best teams in the league. It isn't much of a surprise since we've knocked off ranked teams in back to back weeks making it four straight against ranked teams dating back to last year.

Although we are 4-1, and look to be making a case for a run for a good season, I still have my doubts. Last year, I was in attendance as we shocked a ranked Rutgers team in Jersey. I felt really good about where we were headed. Even after we squeaked it out against GTech the next week with Erin Henderson injured, I still felt confident we were making strides. Then came UVA, Clemson, and UNC. Loss, loss, and agonizing loss. Then, out of nowhere, we dominated Boston College, division favorite, at home. How did the team that lost three straight tough games come out and knock off the top team in the division? Who knows.

This is the kind of performance I have come to expect. Playing to the level of your opponent. They have looked solid the past two games. Taking care of the ball, getting Heyward-Bey his touches, being creative on offense, bend but don't break on defense. With UVA coming up this week fresh off a bashing at the hands of puke... I mean duke, it feels like the Terps are going to roll again. This time I really want to believe it. I do. But something in the back of my mind keeps wondering which team is going to show up. The team that beat up on two teams looking to contend for a national title coming into the season, or the team that stumbled against a bottom dweller hoping to find 3 or 4 wins this season?

I really can't be sure. The only encouragement I get from this season is that we went out and ran up the score against Eastern Michigan, 51-24. If we can go down to Scott Stadium (no relation, I swear), and handle our business against a team averaging 9 points a game, I'll feel much better.

Please help me avoid the fetal position this year boys... Please.

Let it Ride!

The farm called. It said "You won't put me on the Skins again... you won't do it..." Unfortunately, I did not have the entire farm on Your Washington Redskins last week, but if I did I think we can all agree that there was some fairly compelling evidence to suggest that investing in them again this week might be something to look into.

Let's consider what a reasonable spread for this game might be. Skins are coming off three straight wins, including most recently a 26-24 win over the Dallas Cowboys, the week 4 consensus best team in the league, on the road. Jason Campbell has a QB rating of 102 (4th in the league). Santana Moss has 421 receiving yards (2nd). Clinton Portis has 369 rushing yards (tie 4th). Clearly we are firing on all cylinders offensively. On top of that, we own the league's leading turnover ratio of +6, without a single offensive turnover.

That being said, we are going into Philadelphia against a tough Eagles team. My gut tells me the spread should be somewhere in the +2.5-3 range. This is with the acknowledgement that the Skins have won 2 of 3 in the Linc (couldn't be a softer name). This is also with the knowledge that there's a chance Brian Westbrook may not play (as of today, Tuesday, it looks like at the very least he will sit out of practice tomorrow), along with right guard Shaun Andrews who will see a back specialist this week. I'm not saying the Skins should be favored, but as I argued last week, it's a division game between two good teams. Should be a close one, right?

Vegas says Skins +6.5.

Really? Maybe I've been watching a different league the past few weeks. Didn't the Cowboys light up the Eagles 41-37 on Monday Night Football two weeks ago? Didn't the Eagles get three scores in that game from Brian Westbrook, who seems to be the key to this team's success? Yes, this all happened. Marion Barber had 114 total yards in the game and two touchdowns. Was he even on the field against the Redskins last week?

The common opponent argument doesn't do much for me usually, but it tells me a fair amount about where Philly is right now. After putting 37 points on the board, they stumbled out of the gate last week and dropped a tough one to Chicago. Clearly it isn't the Philly offense we're supposed to be worried about here, particularly with the aforementioned injuries.

Is it the defense? I have to admit, they have looked fairly solid for most of the year. They are 3rd in team defense. But wait. What's this? Did Kyle Orton throw for three TDs last week? He sure did.

It is probably too much to ask for the Skins to win back to back division games on the road against two very solid teams. It is also probably too much to expect that somehow we're going to go another game without a turnover or another game with a 100 yard rusher and 100 yard receiver.

All I know is, if they do, it will probably be too much to ask for a seat on the ol' wagon. They're going fast.

Any Given Sunday

Alright, I'll just come out and say it. The Cowboys have a good team this year. Most analysts have them pegged as the best team in the league. Aside from a pretty wild game against Philly, they have cruised, largely due to their control of the line of scrimmage. According to Vegas on tuesday, the cowgirls are a lock to cruise to 4-0 behind a solid 11.5 point victory.

Hmm... 11.5 points huh? I dunno, Vegas. I've been wrong before (how bout those Eagles huh?), but 11.5 points is pretty steep. Let's look at the facts.

1. Since 2001, 'Skins Cowboys games have had a margin of victory over 7 points just 4 times out of 14 matchups. Of those 4, 3 happened in late December in DC (2 of which ultimately vaulted the 'Skins into the playoffs). So just once since 2001 has there been a double digit meeting between his two teams (Sept 17, 2006 Dallas 27 - 0 Skins).
2. One of the biggest concerns with this team is that it has a young coach and a new system. Although there is some logic to this argument, the 2008 Skins team, thus far, seems to be the exception rather than the rule. Last year's Skins, as Tony Kornheiser so eloquently put it, "had more suits on the sidelines than a funeral." Al Saunders' much talked about playbook was allegedly 700 pages, and for much of the season the team didn't live up to the billing of Saunders' former offensive teams. This year, through 3 games mind you, the offense seems to have come alive. Jason Campbell seems to have a grasp on the offense (more on him later), Moss and Portis both have 3 tds through 3 games, and the offense has yet to turnover the ball. It's just a gut feeling, but I feel like I speak for most of SkinsNation when I say that they really seem to understand what Zorn is trying to do.
3. One of the particularly traumatic close games of this series was last year's tough loss in Dallas. As you will recall, TO torched us for all of little d's 4 TDS, but somehow the Skins were able to hang around and make a run at it late. Campbell put together a solid drive, but just as we entered the red zone he threw a pick. Ballgame. 28-23. This came right after the Skins struggled to put the Eagles away at home, giving up 13 points in the final 3 minutes. The very next week in Tampa, again they had an opportunity to complete a comeback late in the 4th, but Campbell again threw a pick in the endzone. The last two games have seen similarly close games in the 4th quarter. However, instead of turning the ball over right as we looked on the verge of a big win, Campbell made two big plays (bomb to Moss, WR screen again to Moss). I don't know that you can single-out Campbell as the reason we won both of the last two games, but he certainly didn't contribute to a tough loss, and more importantly, he is a catalyst on a team learning to finish games.
4. The defense is making plays. Somehow we lead the league right now with a +5 turnover ratio. Granted, Dallas has a large offensive line, but Romo is not invincible, he's thrown 3 picks in 3 games. On top of that, his WRs are banged up. TO has been very quiet, and Springs is fired up to take him out of the game. Certainly stopping the Dallas offense is a big task, but I think we're gonna make some noise.

Above everything else, this is a rivalry game. Despite what my heart and my homer mentality tells me, it is going to be very tough to go into Dallas, potentially in our last game there ever (Playoffs???), and come away with a W. My point is, it's going to be much closer than Vegas and a lot of other experts think.

Why? Because we have a pretty good team this year too.

GO SKINS!!!

Broken Clocks and Blind Squirrels

One of the most undervalued perks of moving into a new place is receiving mail intended for the former tenants. Thus far, the most valued publication to arrive at our new home is a Sports Illustrated. Although certainly SI has fallen off of the glory days of the mid-90's, it still occasionally pumps out some quality content. Due to the timing of my recent move, we were able to grab the second most readable annual issue of SI, the NFL Preview. Little did I know that by choosing to drag this sports periodical into the bathroom that I was setting myself on an unexpected tailspin of confusion and frustration.

As I sat down on the toilet, I immediately flipped to the section outlining how the season will progress. Which teams will win their divisions, who will capture the wild card, how the playoffs will unfold, and who will triumphantly hoist the Lombardi Trophy in Tampa. With prognostications like this, its a wonder they even play out the season. I glanced at the bottom of the page, which read "Pats 26 - Eagles 23." "This can't be right," I thought, and I flipped to the front page wondering why I had been sent an SI from 2005. Sure enough, underneath promises of articles on the Beijing Olympics, was a picture of a happily smiling Donovan McNabb. They were indeed predicting the 2008 NFL season.

Certainly this was aged stock footage of Mr. McNabb since Philly hasn't had anything to smile about since 1983. If not for Dr. J, Philly fans over the age of 35 wouldn't have any "hey, remember the time we had a great team?" stories to share, but I digress. So, given that clearly this was probably not a recent photo, and that the Eagles aside from a 3 game winning streak to close out the season at .500 had little to be excited about, certainly this must be some kind of isolated occurrence of sports analysts making a terrible prediction, right?

Over the next couple weeks, as I planned out my fantasy football draft strategies, my bafflement continued. The ESPN NFL Preview saw 11 of 16 experts selected the Sneags as a wild card team, with one boldly selecting them as the NFC Champ (obviously then falling to San Diego. Nobody is absurd enough to pick McNabb & Co to win it all). At this point, I was able to confine my expressions of bewilderment in private. The straw that broke the camel's back however, was in the Sports Guy's most recent article were he was seen to claim, "It's New England, Jacksonville, Dallas and Philly, then San Diego and maybe Green Bay, and then everyone else." What??? This does not make sense!

I was particularly confused that not only would the experts be so convinced that the Eagles would be successful this year, but they managed to ignore the player on that team most obviously associated with above average achievement, Brian Westbrook. Aside from being a DC native, he was the team's leading rusher and leading receiver. Obviously, he was pivotal to their success.

On paper, their record last year with McNabb, 7-6, versus without, 1-2, seems to highlight the QB as the key player to this team. However, a closer look at the 2007 results tells a different story. The two games they lost without McNabb were at the Pats and at home against the Seahawks. Two games they likely would have lost anyways, but surprisingly with A.J. Feeley at the helm, and a healthy Westbrook lost only by a total of seven points.

Then take a gander at the one game Westbrook missed due to injury, during which the Eagles managed a meager 3 points in the Meadowlands. Granted, Buckhalter, Westbrook's backup, still cranked out 103 yards on the ground that day, but he failed to find the endzone, something Westbrook did 3 times the week previous.

Clearly, McNabb can hardly be considered worthy of such adulation, and the fact remains, a team with one offensive weapon, Westbrook, can hardly be a threat for the playoffs let alone the Super Bowl.

So, I began searching for alternative explanations. No stranger to conspiracy theories, I was able to cook one up. After the Madden Cover Jinx, the SI Cover jinx is the second most discussed performance influencing factor in sports. Similar to the Madden jinx, players have a knack for failing, in one way or another, after being recognized for their fleeting greatness. Notably, The Great One, Michael Jordan, was able to avoid this several times, but he seems to be the exception rather than the rule. Could this oft noted jinx be at play here? If LT turned down the cover of Madden to avoid the almost certain consequences, couldn't teams, wishing to avoid having a potentially successful season be ruined by having a star player on the cover of an increasingly irrelevant magazine, have turned down SI's offers for notoriety? Makes sense to this guy.

Perhaps McNabb, no stranger to curses, wanted to regain his mojo by facing his fears head on. I can't be certain. And, hey, broken clocks are right twice a day, and occasionally, blind squirrels do find nuts. But if your clock is broken or if you're blind and a squirrel, you're gonna have a ton of trouble reaching the Big Show.

And now... for something completely different.

Seeing Red

"You know why the Yankees always win?...it's cause the other teams can't stop staring at the pinstripes" - Christopher Walken - Catch Me If You Can

Michigan vs. Ohio State in The Big House. It was 1991. I was seven, watching one of the biggest rivalries in sports, forming the basis of my opinions on sports, and one of the great college players of all time locked me in as a football fanatic for a lifetime. Desmond Howard, on his own 8 yard line, received a punt and scampered down the sideline for what would be the longest punt return in Michigan history. Accentuated by Keith Jackson's always memorable commentary, Howard, a front runner in the Heisman Trophy race, struck a pose in the end zone and marked his place not only in history, but in the ever growing list of sports moments that I saw live and will never forget. "Hellooooo Heisman!!!"

Big players make big plays in big games. This frequently used statement is an acknowledgement that typically with an important game on the line, a team's most talented player steps up to make the difference. However, what this statement fails to capture about competition is that it isn't always necessarily going to be a team's most talented or best physical specimen that makes the game deciding impact.

Desmond Howard happens to be a terrific example of this. Following a phenomenal college career, Howard was drafted by 4th overall by the Washington Redskins. Unfortunately, although he dominated at the college level, lack of true receiver size and strength limited his options for success in the pros, and did not live up to his expectations as a wide receiver. After bouncing around the NFL, Howard once again found himself on a big stage alongside Brett Favre as a Green Bay Packer. With Super Bowl XXXI hanging in the balance following a Patriots TD late in the 3rd quarter, once again distinguished himself as a big game performer. With a Super Bowl record 99-yard kickoff return, Howard was named the Super Bowl MVP.

Howard was hardly the best player on the '96 Packers. Favre is a future Hall of Famer for sure, and Howard could be found near the bottom of the Packer's depth chart at wide receiver, the position he graced with such dominance as a college player. But in one of those funny twists of fate, he was given an opportunity to make an important contribution on the game's biggest stage, and he grabbed it with both hands.

What is it about Desmond Howard that made him such a, as we say in the sports world, gamer? Fortunately, I took a course in Sports Psychology, so I am very qualified to answer this. Although his size basically guaranteed a mediocre career as an NFL wideout, a unique combination of big game experience, practice that included specificity and worked to achieve automaticity (not a word, but bare with me), and being particularly intrinsically motivated put him in a position to respond well when the chips were down.

In other words, you really can't coach the kind of achievement that Desmond Howard brought to the game of football (notably, only 3 other Heisman Trophy Winners, Staubach, Plunkett, and Allen, went on to win the Super Bowl MVP).

What brought this, and the accompanying Christopher Walken quote, on? Saturday morning, Steven Gerrard, Liverpool skipper, found the back of the net for a game winner four minutes into extra time in a game on Saturday against Middlesbrough, a game that should easily have been won. In my efforts to look on the bright side of what has been a fairly discouraging opening to the season despite a winning their first two games, I realized two things of importance.

First, Gerrard, like Howard, not a stranger to late game heroics, was again showing the innate ability to change a game. Yes, he has exceptional ability, but what is most important and most valued is what you can do in the final minutes. By all measures, he had a fairly mediocre game, and by his own admission he is not yet 100% following a preseason injury, but there he was just outside the box with seconds to play. He found the ball on his foot with just enough room, and with ease found the back of the net.

As Gilbert Arenas showed in healthier times, players who compete with a "you can start this, but I'm going to finish it" mentality tend to make a habit of it. Certainly, this is not Gerrard's first rodeo, and after his performance at "70% match fitness" the Reds-faithful must be encouraged that it will not be his last.

Second, and perhaps more important, is the effect that having wins of this nature has on the rest of the league. As Christoper Walken's character pointed out in the beginning of Catch Me If You Can, it wasn't so much that the 60's Yankees had the best players, but going into the House That Ruth Built to play a team that had such a psychological advantage was exceedingly difficult. Although you build your own confidence escaping poor results, which is important, other teams that are unable to put Liverpool away early in the match begin to wait for the other shoe to drop, much as I did in the 90's watching my Orioles battle their pinstriped adversaries in the Boogie Down Bronx.

As Yogi Berra once pointed out, 50% of the game is 90% mental. With that in mind, consistently having the psychological advantage over your opponent is a key to having a successful season. By building confidence in themselves now and sewing the seeds of doubt in the challengers to come, Liverpool can only be said to be positioning themselves to reap the rewards as the season continues.

With more goals like this, maybe Red will be the new pinstripe.

PS. Also, Arabic(I'm guessing that's what was going on there) could be the new Spanish for watching soccer in a foreign language. I can't even pretend to know what that guy was saying, but he sounds about as ecstatic as John Bobbitt when he found out he could parlay his misfortunes into a lucrative "acting" career.

Feels like the fiiiirst time... Feels like the very first time.

As I jubilantly jumped in the air, my beer soaked through the shirt I had been wearing for the last 48 hours, and likely everyone packed close to me in the bar's standing room only crowd. "God damn draft beers!"

Did the 'Skins just lock up a playoff berth? Had my beloved Terps knocked off yet another #1 from the State of North Carolina?

Surprisingly, no. I was alone at a pub in Dublin watching huge underdog USA and eventual champs Italy battle it out in World Cup 2006. DaMarcus Beasley had just seemingly scored a go-ahead goal to put my people up 2-1 in a crazy game that had seen 3 red cards and a horrific bloody face. For the briefest of moments, it looked like The Land Of The Free had finally arrived, and, more importantly, the crazy Italian chicks standing right in front of the closest TV weren't going to have so much to sing about. Down a man, with only 9 men on the field (kind of a big deal), somehow we had set the table for a monumental victory. The folks around me would just have to deal with the drops of Guinness pouring down on them from above as if the heavens too had joined in my celebration.

Unfortunately, the goal was disallowed on a bogus offside call (one of the more miserable calls to go against a JMFS supported squad), and my 6 euro beer had been wasted in vain. Although the game ended in a draw and the American's cup run ended in disappointment, this game and this moment became the measuring stick against which all other soccer watching experiences would be measured.

As I jogged to Summer's in Arlington to watch Liverpool's season opener at Sunderland, I allowed myself to believe that perhaps today would be a day as memorable as as that June day in the Motherland.

I entered and quietly found myself a seat at the bar. To my surprise, I found Summer's filled with fans in red jerseys similar to mine, except by filled I meant just enough for a rousing game of sharks and minnows. "No big deal," I thought. Determined to make the best of it, I ordered the largest Guinness available and a burger, which were both delicious.

Seated at the bar next to me were two things I had yet to encounter at a bar while watching soccer. First, the "middle aged American male soccer fan." If you're looking for a good acupuncturist, you're gonna prefer to take the advice from some guy fresh off the boat that greets you with a "Herro" eating General Tso's. If you were looking for your ideal stranger offering soccer insights, ideally you'd find former footballer turned actor Vinnie Jones, near the bottom of the list would be, at first glance, the guy sitting next to me. Hypocritical? Considering that I too will fit this description some day, yes. Although this guy did exceed my expectations for standard soccer chit chat, the experience was not getting off on the right foot.

Second, and more entertaining than the somewhat boring game we were watching, was the "soccer game date." Sitting right next to my aging friend was an American girl and what appeared to be her date, an Englishman sporting a red Liverpool scarf. An otherwise innocuous pair, what sparked my interest was that although he didn't seem to be saying anything that should have interested her ("Actually [Fernando Torres] scored more goals than any player ever has in their first year in the premier league" for example) she ate it up and asked for seconds. Clearly, she was all over the accent. I wondered how absurd his comments could have been without turning her off. "I once was a roadie for Ace of Base!"? "I'm a founding member of Arlington's Jelly of the Month Club. This month is peach!"? It kept me interested during a particularly boring an uneventful game.

Just as I thought my first game as a Liverpool fan would end in a bland scoreless draw, my Reds sprang to life. Alonso slipped a ball through to Torres, who settled the ball and drilled it into the back of the net. All 15 of us jumped to our feet and yelled/clapped. "Hooray!" Fernando's epic shot stood out as the lone highlight in a lame game, and, as opposed to my previous experience, it counted.

As Torres, Gerrard, and all the rest of the gang celebrated on the pitch, it was the Liverpool fans that made me realize I made the right choice. All of a sudden the bar came to life, I ordered another beer, and the cameraman scanned the crowd as the away fans erupted at the sudden turn of fortune. As expected, they sang songs for their hero. Much to my new friends' appreciation, this time they stayed dry and my celebratory beer successfully found it's way into my stomach.

Champions League Qualifying! LIVE From the OBX

2:40 ET - Good Afternoon! It's a miserable day here in Corolla, North Carolina. So, in my boredum, I've opted to blog as I watch some Champions League Qualifying. To add insult to a cloudy rainy day, ESPN2 has chosen to show Arsenal start their run for European glory instead of Liverpool. I'll leave some comments about both games over the next couple hours as I slam beers and watch soccer. Kickoff - 3:05 ET

2:43 ET - Kickoff from the Netherlands! Just opened my first bottle of beer. It's gonna be an interesting one folks. Twente comes out firing here, but in true power hour fashion, they can't possibly keep this up. I'm pulling for them though as I'd love to see Arsenal, in horrible bright yellow jerseys today, go down.

3:00 ET - Arsenal, coming out fairly rusty, have won their first corner. Ends in a handball. Woooo! In other news, how bout that Michael Phelps huh? (I swear the beers will kick in soon. It's hard to type, drink, and make sure my 8 month old nephew doesn't injure himself.)

3:06 ET - Uh oh... Twente nearly draws first blood with a smart ball finding a runner down the left side. The Gunners keeper was beat, but Twente couldn't convert. The Dutch are fired up here, mark my words, they will score first. "Arsenal certainly has their work cut out for them," comments Derek Rae. First yellow card of the day to a Twente midfielder.

3:09 - Should be 1-0 Twente. A Dutch striker slipped through the defense like a loose stool, and, unmarked, knocks one well over the cross bar. He is embarrassed.

3:21 - And here's our first injury (there's some blood so he maintains his masculinity) which gives the home fans their first opportunity to stop jumping up and down. Gotta be some sore knees out there (insert first pornstar audition comment here). Twente just had a 1 v 1 with the keeper. He blew it (insert gay pornstar audition comment here). Arsenal is really coming out soft here folks. Hey Amber! We're gonna need a fluffer out here! Couldn't pass that one up.

3:31 - We're nearing halftime here, and there hasn't been much if any excitement. Apparently, the North Londoners have left most of their first team at home. Thanks. Liverpool also has yet to score, but they did have a scare as Standard Liege won a PK, but failed to convert. Could have been trouble. And there's the whistle. I'm most impressed by the fans here. Apparently nobody told them they are huge underdogs. Good for them.

3:44 - In other news, we've been joined by 3 year old guest commentator Charlie. "That's funny, Uncle John!" Apparently, he feels that Arsenal's play has been laughable thus far too. "That is not soccer!" Wow... harsh criticism from the outspoken toddler. Look out Andy Grey.

3:58 - Welp, if I was a betting man, I'd say Twente has missed their best opportunity to find their way to the group stage. Arsenal seems to have collected themselves, the Dutch attack has lost much of its tenacity, and certainly a full Arsenal squad awaits them in the second leg. Shit or get off the pot time... and I'd say they are likely to do the latter.

4:04 - 1-0 Arsenal. Free Kick. Gallas bumps it in off his calf. Twente's keeper was caught flat footed and watched it roll into the net. Arsenal is playing a bit more like the strong confident team they are, and just over an hour in, I'd say that's all she wrote.

4:12 - This one is getting ugly folks. We've had a standard "my team is better than yours" shove in the back from Van Persie of Arsenal resulting in a yellow, a handful of miserable challenges, and next to no possession, particularly from the home team. Somebody is shaving points here. I'm sure of it.

4:18 - With my obligatory NFL comment, John Lynch visited the Pats today. When is some old, lame, Canseco-esque player going to sell out the Patriots for a book deal detailing how Rodney Harrison was the tip of the iceberg with the Pats steriods saga. Tedy Bruschi has a stroke, Tom Brady shows flashes of roid rage over each false start penalty, and for some reason, the Pats front office continues to take flyers on old past their prime players, ideal candidates for performance enhancers. We're 5 years away from this.

4:21 - Twente squanders another chance. They look very tired. Either their bench is filled with Verne Troyers, or their subs got caught in traffic in Amsterdam. Really could use a sub here.

4:24 - And just like that... Arsenal 2-0. Actually a legitimate offering at goal resulting from some great passing. Despite some boring play, the Gunners put together something great there for Abedayor. In Belgium, Liverpool continues to struggle. Ugh. Show me something here...

4:35 - With 3 minutes of extra time, the first Twente sub comes on. Clearly too little too late. Liverpool continues to struggle according to a friendly live blog. Ahh well. Sounds about time for a dip in the pool, and some BBQ. The upside to a miserable day of soccer... I'm still at the beach. That's all I've got. I'm going to go eat several hamburgers. Don't worry, I'll wait at least an hour before I go swimming. It's been fun. Be sure to tip your servers.

Please Pardon Our Disease Infested Mess...

As anyone who has seen me in all my fanatical glory at a local sporting event could tell you, I generally tend to deny the existence of any boundary or limit to what may be said in reference to an opposing team and its fans. However, as an Italian Court found, some people beg to differ.

Really? "indignant and deeply hurt"? Is that all it takes to get roughly $2,300 these days?

Perhaps the Inter fans pushed the envelope a little, but haven't we already outlined the procedure for this type of situation? I feel certain the Napoli fans are required to respond in kind with similar signage striking at the weak spots of the Inter fans. Just like everyone else, the Milanese must have skeletons in their closets.

Example: Milan - deoderant free since '63

Putting this in American terms, this becomes even more absurd. Imagine if a New Jersey resident were to take the Dallas Cowboys to court due to their abusive fans referencing the "Armpit of America." I'm sure a Jersey resident would have taken a different course of action. Take for example a particular such resident, with noted Neopolitan ancestry, Paulie Walnuts. Fuhgidabowdit!

The best example of this stateside is the Missouri - Kansas rivalry. Largely unnoticed nationally until last season when both teams were surprisingly good, these two groups of fans draw the history of their rivalry back to Civil War Era tensions. Consider the fine had Inter fans celebrated a systematic execution of every Neopolitan males during their nation's most turbulent times.

Instead of taking legal action, Jayhawk fans kept their response in context. Granted, this is an extreme example, and I'm hardly sanctioning this level of fan antagonism. Further, I'm sure the Italian Court's decision was motivated by a desire to quell hooliganism, largely absent from American college sports(aside from post-victory riots of course).

My point here is that there are plenty of ways to respond to rival fans without involving the judicial system. And let's be honest here, if you've got this goin' on in your hometome, maybe you deserve some public embarrassment. But, I digress.

In other news, the season starts Saturday (v. potential league upstart Sunderland), and Champions League qualifying beings Wednesday (v. Standard Liege... "whooooo's heeeeeee"). I'm excited.

The First Day of the Rest of My Life

"I know you see me on the video, (True) I know you heard me on the radio, (True) but you still don't pay me no attention, listenin' to what your girlfriends mention, 'he's a slut, he's a ho, he's a freak, got a different girl everyday of the week.' It's cool, not tryin' to put a rush on you. I had to let you know that I've got a crush on you." -Notorious B.I.G.

The Premiership. I endured its courtship for quite some time, but as we've all learned from Superbad, even the hot chicks go for weird dudes with enough determination. Unfortunately even while my hormones raged, as can be the case with many potentially successful relationships that never get off the ground, the timing just wasn't right. Most notably, soccer's regrettable homosexual stigma(not that there's anything wrong with that) was preventing me from really opening up to the "World's Game." For much of my pre-adult life, I ate lots of bananas (I really don't get enough potassium in my diet), I could frequently be caught listening to Craig David CDs by myself, and one of my guy friends insisted on being called Kiki (sorry Cope, the truth is out). My man points weren't quite high enough to publicly pick up a sport noted for its lack of manliness on this side of the pond.

Over the past year something happened that finally gave me the opportunity to give in and declare my support for a British soccer club. First, DC had one of its better sports seasons. The Skins made the playoffs in an epic, emotional run. The Wiz made the playoffs... again. The Caps made an improbable late season run to win the Southeast Division. I've never had so many beers spilled on my head in celebration and been happy about it. In reality, I've never poured so many beers on my head, period, but I digress. It was terrific watching my teams finally all make things interesting in the post-season.

While this was happening, my official soccer team, Celtic, was in the midst of an epic run of their own. Celtic came from behind against their rival in the Scottish Premier League to win their 40th League Title. Sadly, Scottish soccer games get 0 coverage anywhere but Scotland, so while history was being made, I was left to sit around in my green and white striped jersey and read game recaps.

I wish I had the life experience to explain how frustrating that is to my mother when I was 12 watching sports past my bed time with her yelling "who cares? Just read it in the newspaper in the morning!" Having to hear secondhand, or watch on Sportscenter, about how your favorite team is getting huge win after huge win is a little like having your significant other slip you a roofie, and use and abuse you in ways only appropriate for the maturest of audiences while you're catching some Zs.

You: Whoa... I'm naked. What happened here?
Fellow Cheek Bumper: I did some unreal stuff to you last night. It was AWESOME. Sorry you were blacked out.

You: Are you kidding me??

FCB: Oh don't worry, I taped it.

As in this analogy, clearly this is not a habit to be tolerated, unless you're the one that's awake, in which case... Get It!!! But back to our friends on the wrong side of that sexual escapade, and myself as a fan of a non-televised sports team. Similar to the realization made as you wake up with a few used condoms on the bedside table next to you with no legitimate explanation to how they got there, it was time try to make some memories.

After a month long period of deliberation, I decided upon Liverpool. The Reds. Anfield. 18 League Titles. 5 Champions League Titles. Feels like a good fit. Between this decision, and Jason Taylor, this could be the best sports year since 91-92. Your year will come Philly. Wait, probably not.